Just Writing

Immortalizing The Good

Immortalizing the Good

I’ve written poems about my heartbreak
Of the things that have happened since
Sleepless nights and tragic days
Feelings I didn’t know could exist

At first I could write nothing
I forgot everything but the hurt
Then one day the door opened
My mind was drowning in words

I wrote essays that were like poems
My words so harsh with the truth
But only in the process of writing
Could the pieces begin to fuse

I’ve never been in a place like that
Where I truly no longer cared
I’ve never felt so hurt and empty
The reminders were everywhere

And now some time has passed
It doesn’t hurt the same way now
Things have changed these days
I am not exactly sure how

I never thought we would talk again
And yet somehow we are here
I get to hear your voice and laugh
And I’m no longer fighting tears

But it isn’t really you, is it?
And it isn’t really me
Sometimes we almost reach each other
But then one of us goes running

And I know that some is my fault
I’m very good at closing the door
Opening it again is a bit hard
I have fears of what may be in store

The problem is that I know you so well
And you know me just the same
It’s funny beyond the frustration
We’re much too good at this game

There are so many things I want to say
So many things that are still hidden
And yet I’m not sure what they are
I wouldn’t know where to begin

So I spend my time remembering
And waiting for the breakthrough
Writing things you’ll never read
Maybe this will be one, too

My memory is usually a gift
Lately it’s more of a curse
Memories creep in all the time
Memories of kisses and words

I have written so many things
About the ways in which you hurt me
I haven’t written nearly enough
Of all of the beautiful things

You made me so incredibly happy
My heart was always overflowing
I couldn’t wrap my thoughts around it
But my head was full of knowing

This isn’t a poem to lament a loss
I’ve done that a lot, it’s true
I just want to immortalize the good
Of how it felt to belong to you

You often said it felt so right
I couldn’t have agreed more
Everything was falling into place
As it never had before

On the night of our first kiss
I tried to hide my shaking knees
By my ear your heart was pounding
And I couldn’t help but tease

Some weeks later, on a starry night
You told me that you loved me
I couldn’t wait to say it back
I’d never been that happy

I often prayed so many times
That I’d discover it was true
That love could heal the brokenness
And then God sent me you

With you I was always safe
You became the feeling of home
I can’t explain how wonderful it was
To know I’d never be alone

I’m not sure how you’re feeling now
Or what’s going on inside of you
I only know what I’ve been told
And what I’m supposed to do

So many words have been written of love
Words too beautiful to say
And then they all described you
In ways I can’t explain

The more that I look back now
I regret some things in the memories
On the last morning, before breakfast
I should’ve asked you to kiss me

And the evening before that
When you hinted at being upset
I shouldn’t have brushed it aside
I should’ve talked it out right then

I regret all the times I didn’t kiss you
Like that night at all of the reds
Or sitting on the couch at your apartment
When you held my hand to your chest

I’ll never forget the moment I felt it
When I felt you run away
We were in the car holding hands
And you pulled your hand away

On that last day by the church
I should’ve talked, just stayed
But I thought that you needed time
So I quickly drove away

So many voices yelled at me
And kept begging me to turn back
But I stubbornly pushed them away
And oh, how I regret that

I try not to dwell on these regrets
They only hurt in hindsight
Instead I try remembering the happiness
The moments that were so right

I needed you in a frightening way
I never wanted to need anyone
You were both a luxury and necessity
You were everything all at once

I wish I could remember the moment
When I realized that I loved you
But it happened so long ago
That it’s just a piece of my truth

In the kitchen when you asked for a kiss
My resolve was gone without a trace
We were standing beside the oven
My mind went absolutely blank

You were all at once my weakness
And all at once my strength
You made me blush like crazy
But encouraged me to create

The first time that you held my hand
Happiness made my heart crack
You kissed the top of my head
Chills ran up and down my back

Those weeks were full to bursting
The weeks when you were mine
I keep the memories close to me
Praying you’ll remember it was right

I told you that I wanted to help
And it’s never been more true
But these days it isn’t really me
These days it isn’t really you

There is something about us
And the way we fit together
I always felt utterly understood
You made me want to be better

There is something you do to me
And something I do to you
We share a bond, a connection
I know you know it’s true

I really can’t understand it
How I look at you and see your soul
And no matter what I find there
I always leave feeling whole

That weekend with my family
It felt so natural to have you there
They all told me that for days
I felt happiness beyond compare

They weren’t the only ones who said it
Who knew how perfect we were
I think we both knew it, too
Somehow it all got blurred

But despite how hard it’s been
And the pain inside my heart
I’ve grown so much; you have, too
That’s the important part

This isn’t a poem to lament a loss
I’ve done that a lot, it’s true
I just want to immortalize the good
Of how it felt to belong to you

I'm Just Saying

Perspectives On What You Know

I’m just going to say it. I’ll admit it. I will.

I am a slave to my emotions.

It’s true. My emotions have a mind of their own. I am one of those people who, quite frankly, feels everything. And even more than that, I feel everything very, very deeply. Joy. Sorrow. Hate. Love. You name it, when I feel it, I FEEL it. It can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. Some days it is annoying, to be perfectly honest.

brave thingsBecause of this, I have a tendency to run away from my emotions. I know just how intense they can be, and as a result sometimes I try to run before they reach intensity level infinity.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to run from your emotions. Trust me.

So I generally have about two options: I can just embrace them and let them rule the world, or I can ignore them. The second option isn’t very effective. It usually lasts a little while, and ends in the first option anyway.

If I’m being honest, the last few days have been pretty rough in the emotions department. I’ve been fighting the universe pretty hard the last few days. Actually, since I’m being honest I’ll just go ahead and say it, I’ve been fighting Satan pretty hard the last few days. Whether or not you believe that’s a thing, I’m sure you’ve experienced days when doing the things you know you need to do is harder than normal. Like there is a force out there who knows you too well and it’s doing everything it can to throw you off course.

I have talked to quite a few people about this emotions aspect of my personality. Most of them tell me that it is a good thing that I feel things this deeply. They tell me that it makes it so that I can experience life more fully and richly. I see the merit in this line of thinking, but honestly on days like these it’s more than I know how to handle.

There is another flaw in this personality trait of mine. And it is that because I live life in patience and trusultra-feeling-everything mode, it is really hard for me to understand people who don’t. But I’m working on that.

As I’ve been praying and meditating the last few days, trying to get my emotions figured out and trying to get back on track, one phrase has been sticking out to me time and time again:

Go with what you know.

My biggest problem is that I let surface emotions and temporary situations rule me when, deep down, I know what I’m supposed to do. I know what I really feel underneath all the junk, and I know what God wants me to do. But I let all the “stuff” get in the way and then I end up confused and crazy discouraged.

But I think that this happens often in life. There is going to be junk that gets in the way of what we really want and what we’re really supposed to be doing. There is always going to be a million things going on that you don’t understand and that don’t make sense. But underneath it all you really do know how you feel. You really do know the answers.

truth feelsI tend to get weighed down with everything I’m feeling in the moment, and as a result I can get distracted from the answers I’ve received and how I know I feel in general. So my biggest battle is to try and get perspective. To step back and go with the things I know underneath. To see the bigger picture and understand my true feelings, not get lost in the emotions of the moment.

Sometimes you just have to stubbornly throw aside all of the junk and cling to what you do know. Even if it doesn’t feel like you know it in the moment. Just hold on to what you know you know, and continue forward. Just go for it.

Just Writing

Taper

taper

in the window of a cottage
burns a taper
bright and dancing
the flame never dies

breezes blow across the floor
drafts threaten the flame
but it burns on
the taper never dies

it shines through the glass
and down the dirt road
for miles it shines
it never dies

across the valley it can be seen
a lone flame
in the upstairs window
it never dies

through dark and light
summer and winter
it burns
the flame never dies

the taper is burning
the light is flickering
casting shadows and dancers
they are alive

they tell a story
the orange dancers
illuminating shadows
they are alive

they dance into corners
and back again
laughing they gesture
brilliantly alive

the dancers talk about the flame
and all it means
what it represents
how it is alive

the flame is love
and life and grief
it is eternity
it is alive

the flame is happiness
and joy and sadness
it is life
it will never die

the flame will never die
sitting in the window
shining over the valley
it is love

I'm Just Saying

Connections & Coincidences

Two years ago I was hired at my job, along with a group of others. I remember being nervous, and hoping that I would get along with everybody.

In this group of people I was hired with, there were two girls named Haley and Adele. To be totally honest, we didn’t all get along at first. But now, two years later, these girls are my best friends. Even more than this, they have become my sisters.

I don’t even know how to explain how incredible these two ladies are. They have been there for me through thick and thin. They have picked up the pieces of my broken heart on several occasions throughout the years, and I’ve been lucky enough to do the same for them. They teach me so much every day. I honestly can’t believe how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Recently, all three of us have really been through a lot. We’ve all had different struggles, and have had to be there for one another.

Yesterday, we all came together and went to a support group meeting on campus that deals with some of the things we’ve all been exposed to lately. Overall, the experience was both scary and gratifying. It wasn’t the correct fit for all three of us, but we were grateful to all go together and have the experience. As experiences like that tend to do, it brought up a lot of emotions.

After the meeting, we sat in my car and talked for two more hours. There was a lot of laughter, as there usually is, but there were also a lot of tears. We got a lot of things out in the open that we hadn’t realized we were keeping from each other. There was a lot of wiping each other’s tears, holding hands, and smoothing out hair.

We were open and honest. We told about our insecurities and our fears. We talked about the things we are currently struggling with, and our hopes and desires.

Quite honestly, it was beautiful.

It was beautiful to have a moment like that with these incredible women. It was beautiful to realize that we are all human, trying our best to be there for one another in our struggles. It was a blessing to share a moment like that with them.

Their friendship means the world to me, and has saved me in countless situations. There is no way I could ever accurately explain it. But there is a bond between us that can’t be broken, and that is an incredible thing to have in this life. It is a wonderful blessing.

There are people in this life that we have connections with. They come into our lives almost by accident, but then they end up being so, so important. These relationships that end up being so important and enriching our lives could seem like coincidences.

But I don’t believe in coincidences.

Just Writing

Sparks

sparks

the land was barren
covered in blankets of snow
frozen desolate

temperatures rose
very slowly and secret
the land still frozen

sparks

the thaw was sudden
the grass brilliantly green
underneath the ice

sunshine brilliant
made fire from desolation
it was ignited

sparks

sparks flew and grew bright
created glowing orange flames
sparks popping brightly

the fire was life force
giving breath to the once dead
the sparks rescued it

sparks

unexpected rain
a flood enveloped the land
everything was drowned

hopelessness and ice
inevitably return
the sparks are vanished

sparks

somehow they’re glowing
the sparks survived the deluge
they are still glowing

sometimes they fizzle
breathe upon the sparks, give life
reignite the fire

sparks

I'm Just Saying

The Things We Learned Last Summer

Processed with VSCOcam with a5 presetFrank Sinatra has a song entitled, “The Things We Did Last Summer.” Of course, music being what it is, he’s not the only one who ever sang that song, but as we’re all aware he’s the most important.

I’ve had the title of this song on my mind for quite a while now. You see, the last four months or so of my life have taught me a lot. Particularly the last two months. And for some reason, every time my writer mind tries to make sense of all the lessons I’ve learned this song title comes to my mind. But with a twist. And I’ve decided that if I were to ever write a book about everything I’ve learned in the last two months, I’d title it, “The Things We Learned Last Summer.”

I personally think it’s a pretty great title. It would also be a very good book, too, for that matter.

All of you are aware that this blog has been an interesting place lately. I, Jordan, the queen of keeping my readers in the dark about what’s going on in my life, have been very, very open about my recent heartbreak.

My life just came to the point where I truly and honestly did not care anymore. Every decision was prefaced with a, “Well. Why not?”

So all of you got to see very clearly and deeply into some of the blackest moments of my life. Congratulations. I’m sure it was thrilling for you. (Please note the sarcasm, I’m sure it wasn’t that fun.)capacity

But goodness, I’ve learned a lot. God has been super enthused about teaching me lessons, and I’m doing all that I can to absorb them like a sponge. Tonight I’m feeling a little more introspective than usual, which can only spell disaster to be honest but we’ll roll with it. I’d like to here record a few of the lessons I’ve learned. I’m doing this more for myself than for any of you, so I apologize for that, but hopefully you can take something from this post and not have to learn through experience the way that I did. So, here we go.

The Things We Learned Last Summer:

  • The only one who knows exactly how you’re feeling is God. He knows every aspect of your life, and He’s right there for you. No matter what type of heartache you are facing, He understands. He gets it 100%. I can’t even count the number of times I sat crying and felt Him right there, or the number of times I was suddenly assaulted by memories that caused a jolt of pain and heard Him whisper very love is powerfulsimply, “I know.” He knows. I promise.
  • As scary as love is, it is absolutely worth it. I spent such a long time being terrified of love, and swearing that I’d never let anybody in so far that they’d have power to destroy me. But that’s what love is. You let somebody in further than you even let yourself in, and you give them all of your love and trust. Every single infinite wave of it. And sometimes it hurts. But it is worth it because at the end of the day, love is absolutely beautiful. And it conquers all. It really, really does. Love comes from many different places, and in many different forms, but it can heal wounds and transcend all hurts.
  • Never give up on anyone. Including yourself. God will never, ever give up on you. And you shouldn’t give up on others, either. Or yourself for that matter. We are all going to make mistakes, we are all going to do things that hurt others. We’re human, that’s just the way it works. never give up
  • But we forgive. We forgive because it is the right thing to do. We forgive because we want to be forgiven. We forgive because it is the only way to heal. Forgiveness requires love. They go hand in hand.
  • Listen to God. I’ve been taught this so, so much over the last year or so, and it has really been driven home the last two months. When you receive an answer from God, when you know what you are supposed to do: DO IT. It doesn’t matter how crazy it seems, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous. It doesn’t matter how hard. JUST. DO. IT. If He has given you the answer, He will also provide a way for you to accomplish it. Just listen. Just do it.
  • Be patient. Life is a process.
  • Avoid slamming doors. Literally and figuratively. In a literal sense, slamming doors is just not good for them. In a figurative sense, it is not good for you or others. Believe me, my personality is the queen of slamming doors. It is a defense mechanism that I may or may not have expressed pride in before. I’m quickly learning it’s not something to be proud of. When something horrible happens to me, my very first instinct is to slam the door as hard as I can right pathand run away as fast as I can. To get rid of anything and everything to do with that situation, to treat it as though it is dead to me, and completely move on as though it never existed or occurred. This is not only very complicated (you have no idea how irritating it is when you think you’ve gotten rid of all the evidence of something only to find more evidence weeks later when you aren’t as angry and can’t decide what to do with it) but it’s just not really healthy. And doesn’t promote growth and learning. Most of the time, you’ll be slamming a door prematurely and burning a bridge that wasn’t ready to be burned. And then it takes a little bit of time to reestablish things all because you got a little too hasty to run away from what hurt you. So just don’t do it.
  • Stay creative. It fills a lot of empty spaces, and enhances the full ones.
  • There are, in fact, some things that Frank Sinatra can’t fix. I know. I was just as shocked as you are. For years and years and years I not only wholeheartedly believed Frank could fix anything, he always had fixed anything in my life. No matter what I was going through, it was nothing that Frank Sinatra couldn’t fix. Not this time. Not this time. I tried it, believe me. I played his music and willed it work away the grief, to pull away the emptiness. But it didn’t. Not this time. I even angrily asked him about it and his picture seemed to answer back, “I can’t fix it this time, baby. I’m sorry.” hands of god
  • Never stop turning to God. I needed to learn the previous point in order to better understand this point. My love for Frank Sinatra has brought a lot of happiness into my life, really, and despite how melodramatic I can be about it I’m very grateful for it. His music makes me happy, and I enjoy sharing facts about him. It’s always been a blessing. I have a firm belief that God gives us things like this to enhance and brighten our existence, to help us in good and bad times. But these interests that fill the corners of our lives are not a substitute for God. They make us happy, they are wonderful, but at the end of the day it isn’t our passion for cooking or our love of black and white film that will save us. It is God. Never stop turning to Him. On good days as well as bad, talk with Him. Tell Him everything. Review the plan of your life. Let Him know how you’re doing on the things you’ve agreed to do. Give Him a report. Make sure you’re still doing what He wants. Thank Him. Praise Him.
  • Trust your own journey. God has a different plan for each and every one of us. Nobody’s story is the same. What works for some people won’t work for others. Everybody has a different journey because we all need to learn differently. This is why it is so, so incredibly crucial to stay close to God and to listen to Him when He waygives us answers and direction. To be faithful.
  • Believe in happiness. Never, ever let go of hope. Never let go of love. In the darkest pit of despair, remember that you are never, ever alone because of God. If you can’t see the sunlight, and can’t remember how it feels to have it shine on your face, if happiness is so far away that it is only a cruel memory, just have hope. Hope that you’ll feel it again. Hope that it does exist. Believe that whatever you’re going through will be worth it one hundred times over when you feel the happiness awaiting you. Because when we get to that darkness, complete joy and happiness are closer than we think. Just around the corner. And when the sun finally comes out again, it will be worth every moment. I promise.
  • We all face hardship, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and telling people that you need it. There is no shame in sleeping on lots of couches or spending too much time with your friends if that’s what it takes to bring you into a new day. Take advantage of the love and support that you have around you. Gather those people around your heart and let them love you. You’ll be able to return this love someday.never walk alone
  • Discover new interests, and rediscover old ones. Like I said, God gives us these things to enhance our lives. It is such a great experience to make room for a new talent or hobby, to feel that passion starting up in your life again. Take advantage of the beauty the world has to offer. Rediscover something you love. Pretend you’re seeing it for the first time. (Frank and I are on good terms, by the way. I’m listening to him right now and all is well. So, there you go, proof of the rediscovery process.)
  • Believe in goodness. I have this personality flaw where I sometimes say that I hate people. And when I say that I usually think I mean it, but somebody very close to me recently let me know that this isn’t the case. I don’t really hate people. In fact, I love people. I love humanity. I love every aspect of what makes us human. I love being human. And I have this overly optimistic view of what that means. Honestly, I do. I love to believe in the better side of people and things. It really takes a lot for me to just think of somebody as downright horrible. I love to believe in beauty and goodness. I love to believe in the good. That’s just who I am. And it is honestly a blessing. We are surrounded by enough negativity as it is. We face enough hardship and sorrow as it be stillis. Just choose to believe in the better side.
  • Don’t look back. When you’ve gotten your answer from God, no matter how scary, ridiculous, or insane it might seem and you decide to just jump and go for it, go all the way. Jump and do not look back. DO NOT LOOK BACK. God has got it covered. He’s led you to that cliff for a reason, and given you that answer for a reason. And He will not let you fail if you just have faith. There will be no hitting the bottom. You’ll jump, and you’ll land in happiness. I promise. Don’t look back. Not for one second. Jump.
  • Trust God. This is just a lump way of summing all this up. Just trust Him. I know it can be hard. Believe me, I know. I’ve got a rich history of trust issues. But He is God, and He created all things. He will not give you answers you cannot follow. He will not let you cry tears He can’t wipe away. He will not give you wounds that can’t be healed. He is capable of ALL THINGS. And through Him, we are capable of ALL THINGS. So no matter what, stay close to Him. Believe Him. Listen to Him. Trust Him. He’s got it under control. Just believe me. Follow Him, talk with Him, and trust the path He sets before you. He wants you to be happy and He’s got a plan to make that happen. Trust Him.

 

I'm Just Saying

Faith, Trust, And…

Many of you are aware that I am a very religious person. I also know that many of you are as well, and it has been a real pleasure to share my belief in God with many of you.

Today being Sunday, I’ve got lots of spiritual things on my mind. Well, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve usually got spiritual things on my mind. But today in particular I’ve been thinking.

To put it mildly, my life has been very interesting lately. And I have learned a lot of things. So many things. And every time I have prayed, God has been right there. Comforting me. Supporting me. And giving me countless answers.

Seriously.

The answers I have received from God in the past weeks have been endless, and too intense for me to ever deny. And they have come in a variety of ways. One of the things I love most about God is how well He knows each and every one of us. As we get closer to Him, we are able to communicate with Him in a way that is unique for each one of us.

Because I love music, He has often answered my prayers through song. Because I’m really observant and love looking at people and the world around me, He often answers my prayers through small things. Even something as simple as a license plate or a shooting star. Or a feeling. Or a small voice whispering to me.

But unfortunately I’ve got this problem. I have a really hard time trusting, and more often than not this gets projected on to God. He’ll give me answers, and suddenly I put on my suit of armor and say, “Okay! Cool! Answer received! I’m ready to make it happen! What next?”

Imagine my shock then, when He simply says, “Nothing. I’ll make it happen. Just trust me.”

Like…what?

You mean, you don’t need my help?

What can I do to help this thing along?

“Nothing.” He says. “I’ll take care of it. Just trust me. Be patient.”

And there I am, kneeling beside my bed in prayer all like…okay. Cool. Answer received. I’ll just…go on my merry way.

But here I am, learning things. This is honestly such a new experience for me. And I get anxious and frustrated and discouraged too easily. I start wishing I had more faith. But then I’m reminded that I did get this far, and that’s something. And to be honest, I think that all of us have more faith than we think we do. Really.

God is giving me answers that make my heart want to burst and soar all at the same time. But then He asks me to trust Him. He’s going to make it happen. For some reason that is so much easier said than done. I’m not used to reaching out and relying on others that much, and yet time and time again recently God has been asking me to learn how to do that. And now it’s time to rely on Him. To trust these incredible answers I’ve received and wait patiently.

It’s all about trust right now.

But then again, maybe that is the lesson. Maybe it is always about trust, and realizing that God has a plan, and trusting that He has everything under control. He loves us infinitely. And He is able to answer our prayers and do ALL things because, after all, He is God.