I'm Just Saying

Reflections of Oceans and Sunshine

My mind is once again swirling today.

I think it’s something about Sundays that does that to me. Sunday always is the day where I reflect back on my week. I think of what I did or didn’t do, and commit to doing better in the week to come. Sunday throws me into a state of reflection and deep thought, whether that be a good or bad thing. 

What I find interesting about these reflection sessions I go through daily is that by the time I’m done thinking about it, I usually end up at the conclusion that I had before I began thinking. Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I have all the answers to life. That would be absolutely preposterous. However, what I am saying is that I’m grateful for the reflection process. I think that going through it helps me find the conclusion that was sneaking around in the back of my mind.

Often I find that happening as I write a blog post. Much of the time, instead of thinking it out, I blog it out and press publish. As a writer, I am constantly striving to think of better ways to express exactly what I’m thinking or feeling. I believe that one can reach a certain level of expertise with that, but in the end, some things simply cannot be explained.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “success” lately.

The conclusion that I’ve come to is that nothing about it is static. I’ve come to that conclusion about a lot of things lately. I may have a definition of success, and you may have a definition of success. In the end, I really just want to be successful for myself, in my own way. I think that all of the affirmations from other people mean nothing at the end of the day if you don’t believe that you’ve accomplished something or that you are a good person.

I’m going through this phase in my life where I’ve basically been doing a lot of changing and adjusting. I’m still the same in many ways, but especially in the last year I’ve done so much changing that it just came to a point where I couldn’t do or be certain things because I simply wasn’t that any longer.

I got my first major hair cut in years, I’m taking some pretty big risks in my writing, I’ve made some really cut and dried decisions about the kind of people that I want in my life and the kind I don’t. I’ve decided that I’m tired of masks, I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of pretending to be somebody I’m not, or shoving away my deepest emotions. I don’t want to surf through life, completely numb, and surrounded by people who do not add anything to my well being as a whole. I want to be real. There are some really wonderful and positive things happening in my life right now, and I’m very happy about it. It’s exciting and new, and I am loving it all.

It also happens that I’m still going through one of the hardest times in my life ever.

Interesting, isn’t it? I keep wondering how I can be finding so many new and exciting things, and how I can be still loving old things, and finding so much joy around me when I’m going through a really tough and rocky healing process at the same time. The answer to that is quite simple: God.

A line from a song that I love says, “God is good. Yeah, God is good. We’ve come so much farther than we thought we could. Keep walking now.” Yes, some really, really hard things have happened to me in the past year and a half. It blows my mind away how healing can almost seem more difficult than the experiences themselves.

But God is so, so good, ladies and gentlemen.

The fact that I’m learning firsthand how to find joy amidst sorrow is a testimony to me that God is real. That He lives. That He loves me. He has let me walk through some very deep oceans, much of it strong currents, sometimes high over my head. And He did it to show me how beautiful the sunshine feels now that I am coming closer to shore. God is not there to take bad things away, and bad things do not mean that there is no God. God is simply there. There for us all the time, every second of every day. Through good times and bad.

This changing and adjusting time in my life is a clean slate. I fresh start. Let me tell you, a fresh start never felt so wonderful! I highly recommend it. If there is something that you can start fresh with, even if it is small, do it this week! It doesn’t have to be a complete life fresh start, as mine has been, it can be something small. But no matter what, it could bring a world of difference to you.

Something that I’ve decided to try and start doing is to either discover or rediscover something every week. A few weeks ago I discovered that right now, I’m in love with the color blue. Another week I rediscovered my love for Dean Martin. What started out as a game at first ended up bringing me a lot of happiness and peace. I think it is so interesting how happy the small things can make us. I’m so grateful for the small things. Books, music, movies, or even just colors. Our favorite foods. These things bring us happiness and peace. That, my friends, is a wonderful thing in a world of uncertainties.

I want to shout from the rooftops, all of the things that I’m letting myself experience that feel so right. All of the things that I’m discovering and rediscovering. I’ve never loved summer as much as I do this year. I’m loving the summertime! I’m loving everything from wearing blush and curling my hair to figuring out my novel to working to writing in my journal to playing with my nephews. Perhaps it doesn’t show through my blog posts as much, but there is an incredible transformation happening in me right now.

It has been a long time in coming.

This last year and a half, though exceedingly hard, has been life changing. I have changed so much through my struggles, and for the better. I feel as though I’m close to coming out on the other side and seeing the finished product that God has been molding. There will be more struggles, after all, that is what life is about, and there will be more molding. But I cannot find the words to explain how amazing it feels to know that I’m striving to be the best me that I can be right now. And that right now, I’m exactly where I need to be doing exactly what God would have me do. What a comfort to know that, even though my days are still filled with hard things and tears as I continue to heal, there is a lot of joy as well.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, who is ready for Sunday night chocolate cake?


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