What an absolutely insane week it has been! And not only here on Call Me Incorrigible, but just in my life as well! I’ve had so many adventures and insights this week that I really want to share with you this evening. I’m not even sure where to start!
Have you ever just had a really, really, really BAD day? That happened to me yesterday. I had this experience where somebody did something that really, really upset me. You see, with me there are a couple of ground rules and if they get broken…it’s not the best day.
One of those rules is this: If I ask you not to do something, do not do it. Another one is this: if I say “Stop” once, then stop. There is no gray area with these rules. You follow them or you do not. Because of some really traumatic events that have occurred in my life, these two rules are very important to me. Well, yesterday the first rule got broken, and I was not a very happy person. Some emotions that are still very raw came forward, and I didn’t like it.
For me, it’s all about safety. I have this incredible need to feel safe. Safe in every way. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. Feeling safe is a huge, huge priority for me. I’m constantly wanting to say, and feel, “I am safe.” Trust is another thing. I’ve talked a lot about how this last year and a half has been the hardest one in my life, and I’ve come to realize that safety and trust are major things for me.
I didn’t realize this until I started going through my own intense healing process, but I feel like healing can almost be more difficult than the experiences themselves. Or at least that’s how it’s been for me. When all of the hard things were happening, my sole focus was to keep my head above water. But when you heal, you dive beneath all that water. You find the source of that water, and you try and stop the flow. And in the process you get really wet again, immersed in all the pain again. You relive it a thousand times over, and feel it more deeply than perhaps you did when it was happening.
I will be the first to stand up and say that you don’t dive alone, you don’t get wet alone. You can’t. Healing requires more than just yourself. I know that in the midst of the pain God was there beside me, as well as many, many other people, and it has been the same with the healing process. And while I feel I’ve come very far, there are times when I look around me, very, very deep in all that water and wonder how long I’ll feel so broken.
But God taught me something very, very important this morning:
His ways are higher than our own.
It is hard to understand, trust me, I know. But I have to believe that God has given me certain challenges, and placed me on a certain path because He wants what is best for me and what will make me a better person. I don’t understand all of the hardships, I don’t understand why I felt a mountain of very negative emotions and couldn’t think even one remotely pleasant thought about myself.
But what if all of the tears and hardships are incredible blessings that we just cannot see yet? We can have no way of knowing how things “might have” or “would have” turned out. But I believe that God’s ways are infinitely higher than our own, and in the process of molding us into something incredible He will bring us to mountains we do not understand. But that will not last forever. We are more than that. There is more than that. His ways are higher than our own. And because He loves us, He will not ever choose to leave us alone.
A few days ago I went on a spontaneous trip to my old college town. My earlier followers will remember my posts from college life. Wow. Looking back now, those days are so precious to me. Thursday I had the day off, and so I decided to drive three hours and go visit my old roommate. It was so incredible! It was amazing to be at my old school, in a place that I love, and feel that peace. We mostly just talked about old memories and had a good time. It made me so, so grateful for good friends, good times, beautiful sunsets, and great ice cream.
A conclusion that I’ve come to is that, as humans, we are all searching for relevance. And that is why we do any of the things that we do. We are looking for relevance in our life. We want to mean something, to matter. We want to last. Relevance. We search, we fight, we push for relevance. But I think that when all is said and done we have more relevance and power and potential than we will ever know.
And that feels safe.