There is usually a feeling that I get when I cross the line from normal thinking to over thinking. It is a muddled, sort of confused feeling. It’s similar to having a grand idea and feeling it fade away, like when you have a great story to tell and then you suddenly forget it. It is a feeling that something that was once beautiful isn’t that way anymore, because I’ve distorted the beauty out of it.
Do you ever get that feeling?
As Holly Golightly. the main character from my favorite movie in the world – Breakfast at Tiffany’s – would say, “Well when I get [that feeling] the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it. Nothing very bad could ever happen to you there. If I could find a real life place that made me feel like Tiffany’s then…well, then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name.”
In that scene she’s getting to know her new neighbor, who got locked out of his apartment and asked her if he could use her telephone. After this lovely little monologue about going to Tiffany’s, she finds her telephone for him inside of a suitcase. She forgot she put it inside of the suitcase because it muffles the sound.
I’m not exactly sure why Breakfast at Tiffany’s is my favorite movie. For a person who LOVES movies and could hold several conversations just in movie quotes, I would generally never be able to pick a favorite. There are too many that I love. However, pretty much from the get go I’ve been able to say that Breakfast at Tiffany’s is my favorite movie. Hands down.
The character of Holly Golightly, played so beautifully and gracefully by Audrey Hepburn (who for me is the epitome of what a woman should strive to be in grace and kindness), is a very complex character. Another character in the movie describes Holly as a “real phony” because she honestly believes all of the phony stuff that she believes. She has a fear of being caged, and she is always running. Mostly from herself. These conflicts are all resolved in the end of the movie, but it is these conflicts which make Holly to real and raw as a person. She is relatable because we’ve all been there.
My semester of school is over. Thank all the celestial beings that I survived it. Because of the unique way that my current university is set up, I return again in a few days to do another semester, which will end in July. I must say that I’m really not looking forward to it. In hindsight, I see this last semester for what it was: a huge learning experience that overall wasn’t fun in the slightest sense of the word. It was hard in countless ways, and now that it’s finally over I am exhausted in more ways than one. I see that I allowed myself to get distracted by things that don’t matter. In the past year of my life I’ve been working hard to recover from some hard things and work on myself, making myself better. And I let things that are nowhere near as important as healing and happiness destroy my healing and happiness. I’m glad that this semester happened, because academically I learned so much and I made some really good new friends.
But mostly I’m just tired. And I wish that I’d been able to see further than what was in front of me and focus on the things that make me happy. I can’t even tell you how long it’s been since I worked on a novel because I truly don’t remember. How sad is that? The one thing I am the most passionate about is the thing that often gets shoved into a corner to make room for temporary nothings.
While it may seem like it, though, I’m not beating myself up over it. I understand that it is what it is and for perhaps the millionth time in my life I am grateful that every day is a new one. Sometimes you just have to stick things in a suitcase in the corner and go to Tiffany’s.