I'm Just Saying

One Full Minute

I had an English teacher once who brought us into class one day, sat us in our desks, told us to get out our journals and said, “For one full minute, I just want you to write. Write everything and nothing. Don’t stop to think. Just write everything that comes to your mind.”

paperI need to do that today. There is a lot on my mind.

I’ve never been good at living in the moment. I only have a handful of memories in which i could feel myself absorbing every detail, every emotion. I’ve always wanted to be good at it, but I’m not. I think too much. I’m tired of thinking too much.

I miss England. I feel oddly out of place now, as if the changes I’ve gone through don’t quite fit inside of me and I’m not sure how to make it all work. I know it can work, I know it. I just have to figure it out. Whatever that means.

This last week I’ve discovered a lot of my weaknesses, and I don’t like it. I don’t like looking at myself that harshly, not when I’m already super hard on myself anyway.

I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like that feeling that other people have power over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling that exposed, that open to whatever it is they might decide to do.

Today I got upset and made lava cakes. I’m very good at making lava cakes. I’m actually a great cook. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that before. But I love to cook. It calms me. It is a different type of creation that I absolutely adore.

I’ve been trying really, really hard lately to gain more confidence. I’ve never, ever been a confident person. Ever. I’ve been trying really hard to begin to really and truly love myself, to understand my worth and to live in such a way that I can magnify all the things that are beautiful inside of me. Sometimes it is hard. I am having to change everything about how I think. It’s harder than I expected it to be.

One full minute. Write it out. Think it out. One full minute.

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3 thoughts on “One Full Minute

  1. I was a history and English major too! What a coincidence.😉 I was just reading a post about confidence. Here’s the summary. Confidence isn’t something we’re born with. It’s something we develop by doing the scary things over and over again. Take baby steps if need be but by making a concerted effort we become the confident people we dream to be. Hope that helps you. Lovely post, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts! I really needed to hear this! Also, thank you so much for stopping by my blog and taking the time to comment. It means so much!

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