I had an English teacher once who brought us into class one day, sat us in our desks, told us to get out our journals and said, “For one full minute, I just want you to write. Write everything and nothing. Don’t stop to think. Just write everything that comes to your mind.”
I need to do that today. There is a lot on my mind.
I’ve never been good at living in the moment. I only have a handful of memories in which i could feel myself absorbing every detail, every emotion. I’ve always wanted to be good at it, but I’m not. I think too much. I’m tired of thinking too much.
I miss England. I feel oddly out of place now, as if the changes I’ve gone through don’t quite fit inside of me and I’m not sure how to make it all work. I know it can work, I know it. I just have to figure it out. Whatever that means.
This last week I’ve discovered a lot of my weaknesses, and I don’t like it. I don’t like looking at myself that harshly, not when I’m already super hard on myself anyway.
I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like that feeling that other people have power over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling that exposed, that open to whatever it is they might decide to do.
Today I got upset and made lava cakes. I’m very good at making lava cakes. I’m actually a great cook. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that before. But I love to cook. It calms me. It is a different type of creation that I absolutely adore.
I’ve been trying really, really hard lately to gain more confidence. I’ve never, ever been a confident person. Ever. I’ve been trying really hard to begin to really and truly love myself, to understand my worth and to live in such a way that I can magnify all the things that are beautiful inside of me. Sometimes it is hard. I am having to change everything about how I think. It’s harder than I expected it to be.
One full minute. Write it out. Think it out. One full minute.