I'm Just Saying

Farewells

I’m not sure who that was on the phone, but it wasn’t you. I will tell you, though, that I felt you slip away days ago. And I knew it would happen. I saw my worst fears confirmed, I saw it all fall apart. And when we finally talked, it didn’t even sound like you. You were gone. I think I know you well enough to be able to say that.

This will be my last ever post on this blog. There is too much of you here. So I guess you don’t have to worry about it after this. To be honest, I already told you everything I needed you to know. But there are a few more things I’d like to say, because you once told me that if you ever fell out of line I needed to put you back in your place. That’s what friends do.

There are going to be times in your life, many of them, when you won’t be able to see something anymore. There will be times when you lose the vision of a dream. It happens. It’s called life. It’s called temptation. Satan. Whatever. It happens. Okay? But that doesn’t mean that you walk away. It means that you hold on to the answers that you have already received, and you keep fighting. You stand up and fight back. Because it is worth it, and anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I’m not asking you to fight for this. But I am telling you that you’re going to need to fight for something someday. Don’t let goodness slip through your fingers. Don’t run. Stick it out.

I want to say that it was an excuse. The reason you gave me was no reason at all. I don’t understand it. How it changed so fast when I thought I had forever. I know you. I can see you. I understand you. And that wasn’t you.

You were gone, and I couldn’t reach you. I tried. But you were so closed off. Just gone. I wish you hadn’t shut me out. I wish you had remembered that first and foremost we were friends. I wish you’d have let me help.

I hate it that you’re gone, and now I have to figure out how to fill in the empty spaces. I have to figure out how to live without my best friend. Who to talk to when I’m excited or sad. Who I should discuss movies and novels with. But that’s my problem now, not yours.

You don’t have to worry, though, I know how you really feel. There were too many moments that were so precious that I can’t even bear to think about them anymore. But those are the moments when it was really you, and I knew how we both felt.

I meant everything that I said on the phone.

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