I have been blogging for a little over five years now. Which is crazy to me. And if I’ve done the math right, which would honestly be quite amazing, I have averaged about one post per week in the last five years. Which isn’t really an accurate description since there have been times when I blogged every day and times when I didn’t even look at my blog for weeks and weeks on end. Maybe that’s why my views are so sporadic these days…and why all of my followers seem to have vanished.
Well, that’s unfair.
I’m convinced that I have about three faithful followers these days. One from Sri Lanka who pops in occasionally to give me support. One from India who comes a little more frequently. And one very avid American admirer who comes rather often. By my calculations. Again, math isn’t where my head goes EVER so calculations aren’t in my skill set. But this is the case according to my statistics page. So, a heartfelt thank you to Sri Lanka, India, and America.
For the people who come across my blog, whether semi-regularly or by accident, I often wonder what they see. How they view me. What they gather about me as they scroll through a few posts. What they are looking for each time they visit. It would be interesting to know, though if I’m being entirely honest I don’t think I want to know what you all think of me. Unless it’s good. If it’s good, keep it coming.
I used to have a policy where I didn’t talk about bad or sad or dark things on my blog. That was a very, very long time ago. It was part of a healing process I was going through where I was just so incredibly tired of living in the dark. So I chose to live in the light instead, and that did wonders for my healing.
It’s not super my policy anymore, just because we all go through hard times, and it isn’t realistic to live in the light always.
If I’m being blatantly honest: the last week has been so, so hard.
Okay, to be BLATANTLY obvious I’d have to extend that time frame a little, but the last week especially. Everything in my life seemed to mount up all at once and attack me, and then something happened in my family as well, and I found myself standing in the middle of a proverbial field in a torrential downpour begging God, “Please. just let the sun shine.”
There is something about my character that bothers me. And I’m going to tell you what it is. Here it is: I hate hate hate it that I will always always always do the right thing.
Please allow me to explain before you draw the conclusion that I am highly conceited. I do not always do the right thing. I’ve got a sharp tongue and a hot temper that’s gotten me into trouble more times than I’d care to admit, and that is just one of my many flaws. But overall, I believe in doing the right thing.
I know what the truth is, and I know that no matter what happens on this earth the truth will never change. And I know that true joy is on a completely different side of the spectrum than earthly happiness and that it only comes from God. I know that His plan for us is the one we should follow always. No matter what. Because everything about us is so much bigger than this mortal life. And because I know all of these things, I tend to hold myself to a very strict standard when it comes to my patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting.
But today I got very, very angry at God.
It has been a very long time since I felt that much anger towards my Father in Heaven. Something happened today that made me snap just a little. Really not bad, honestly, but just a little. Enough to let out all that anger.
Have you ever been so angry that you cried?
It’s the worst kind of crying. Now, if you know me you’ll know that I cry rather often. It isn’t anything new about me. But all the same, I don’t cry about just anything. When I cry it’s because I’m genuinely feeling just too much.
So, I angry cried today.
I was angry that my faith never seems to be enough. I was angry that Heavenly Father seems like a liar. I was angry that hard things keep happening to my family. I was angry about a lot of things.
And what was perhaps the hardest about the entire moment is that I understood, even in the midst of all of that emotion, just how wrong I was. I know that none of that is true. No matter how I am feeling, I know what the truth is. And it was none of those things going through my head.
Sometimes that’s the most important thing in those moments. Even if you truly believe and feel all of that darkness that’s running through your heart and your head, remember what’s actually true.