I Was Wondering

All The Flowers Of The Mountain

Today, life is very beautiful. It’s pulling at my heart in the most peculiar way, filling every single crack and crevice. I’m not sure what it’s trying to say, if anything. And I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, if anything.

FallI’ve found so often that sometimes life is achingly glorious. There are moments so perfect it almost hurts. Feelings so deep that you could never hope to explain them. The heart is such a wild thing, you know. Words are the framework of my life, of my existence, and yet today I’m sitting beside the window with my thoughts, looking out at a cloudy sky and brilliantly colored leaves with lovely music filling my ears. And I can’t find the words.

I wish I could. I wish you could feel even a bit of what I’m feeling in this moment. And the more rational part of my brain is scrambling in a million directions, trying to find meaning, purpose, and explanation for moments like these. It’s the thing trying to find the words.

But there aren’t any. There is only gratitude and a few tears I can’t explain. Wishing I could put these feelings in a box, deep in my heart for when I’ll need them again. But perhaps that’s the wild, rugged beauty of moments like these.

It’s like a beautiful landscape, like this autumn day that surrounds me and fills up my heart. I can’t capture this day, these hillsights. I can’t carry them with me as much as I wish I could. I pray for the memory to stay with me, and I live in this completely beautiful moment as fully as I can. I can’t capture autumn leaves, crisp air, and clouds, or this feeling that is filling my heart. I can’t capture the mountains or take them with me.

They are gifts. Moments like these. And for that I can only be profoundly grateful.

I'm Just Saying

That’s How It’s Got To Feel

frankI’ll never forget the moment that I saw my very first Frank Sinatra record.

I was in Birmingham, Alabama, at the National Speech and Debate competition with my coach and two team members. We’d just gotten breakfast in this great little restaurant in Birmingham and saw an old record shop near where we’d parked. Naturally, there was no choice but to go inside.

It was up a narrow flight of wooden stairs, located in a tiny little room stuffed to the roof with records. Old movie posters covered the walls, tables and tables were filled with every record imaginable. The floor was covered in a thin carpet. Morning sunlight streamed through the windows and the air, of course, smelled slightly damp in the summer humidity. The shop had an old smell, and of course some music was playing from the corner.

I found the Frank records as soon as I possibly could, and purchased three, along with a Dean Martin record. For the rest of the trip in Birmingham they were my precious little find. I wrapped them carefully in my suitcase and prayed they would be safe on the trip back across the country.

And even more than that moment of finding the records in Birmingham, a moment where the sunlight streaming through the windows reflected off of the records like they were gold, is the moment when I got home and turned one on.

The very first song that I ever heard Frank Sinatra sing on a record player was “All the Way.”

I’d listened to Frank nonstop for years, but I’d never heard him on an actual record player until that very moment. My mom placed the needle on the record, and sound came out of the record player as if by magic. And then, in that really close yet somehow faraway and incredibly clear sound that a record player makes, he began singing.

“When somebody loves you, it’s no good unless he loves you all the way…taller than the tallest tree is, that’s how it’s got tofrankie feel. Deeper than the deep blue sea is, that’s how deep it goes if it’s real.”

I couldn’t help myself. I put my head in my hands and started crying. It’s been a while since I posted anything about Frank Sinatra, but most of you know that I’m a pretty big admirer of his. And when I heard that sound for the first time, it just got to me in a way I hadn’t expected.

Tonight I’m thinking about that experience, about how it felt. And it makes me grateful for beautiful things, and precious moments. For special things that tug at your heart and make you feel that deeply.

“Who knows where the road will lead us

Only a fool would say

But if you let me love you

It’s for sure I’m gonna love you, all the way…”

I'm Just Saying

A Post About Decisions

One of the first things that I will say about myself is this: I have a terrible time making decisions. Absolutely terrible, it’s true. It takes me almost ridiculous amounts of time to make decisions.

46b8eb15ab062bd1d86d73766bc9d598However, the reason behind this isn’t what you’re probably thinking. It is not just because I’m a terribly indecisive person. You see, I’m really big on commitment. I have to know that when I make a decision, I’m not going to back down. It takes me along time to make decisions because I want to be sure I can be committed once I do make my decision. And for this reason, my decision-making process is usually rather painful.

I basically know from the get go what I’m going to choose, but it takes me a very long time before I’ll actually admit that I’m going to do it. I have to take the time to study things out in my mind, weigh all of the different options, and then at the end of the process I usually chuck all of that and make the decision I knew I was going to make in the first place.

I guess what it all boils down to is that in the end, you eventually have to make a decision, and sometimes you just have to go for it. You may not know what’s going to happen, you may be scared. But you have to do something, and so you might as well do it.