I have so much on my mind tonight. Usually, when this happens to me and I decide to blog about it, I try and bring all back to one theme. I think it’s my way of trying to make sense of it all and put it together in my brain into something that I can process. And then I just happen to publish it and let all of you read it.
But this time I just want to get everything that is on my mind out there. And I’m hoping and praying that I can communicate it in a way that conveys exactly how it is all going on in my head.
I’m not one for New Years. I never have been, and honestly, I can’t say that I ever will be. It has always frustrated me that we have this one time when the entire world decides to start over, but then none of us actually do. That’s why I never make New Year’s resolutions. Not because I don’t think I can keep them, but because if I’m going to make a life-changing promise to myself I’m going to do it whenever I please. Any day is a day when we can start over.
My sister-in-law was trying to explain it to my nephew on New Year’s Eve that the next day was a new year. And his little five-year-old brain could not fathom it. He just couldn’t understand what that meant. So much so that later that night at our family party he remarked to my sister, “Hey, Aunt Jamie, did you know that tomorrow is a new day?”
And while that story is incredibly adorable, it is also incredibly profound.
He couldn’t understand the idea of a new year because in his mind every day is a new day. Every day is the beginning of something else. I think we should all have this perspective in mind. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a New Year’s resolution or anything like that. It’s a great time to start over, and I’m starting over in many ways. But every day is a new day. Every day is a moment when we can make new promises to ourselves.
We’ve been doing this thing in my family, and by that I mean it’s been my mother, my sisters, and I, where we have been choosing one word for our 2019. The word that is going to be our year, the word that is going to define who we are and what we do and how we feel going into a year that promises a lot of change for all of us. It has been really fun to hear everybody’s different words.
My younger sister Josie burst into my room last night – I’m still home for the holiday break – and roused me from my almost-asleep state to inform me of her word. It came to her in the shower, as all good ideas come to most people, and it was my privilege to be the first person she told. She turns 18 this year and is going to be starting all sorts of adventures. It is only fitting that she chose the word: Fearless.
What I love about this choosing a word exercise is that it hasn’t just been something we all decided. It has taken prayer and meditation and thought. It has been a process of figuring out where we are and where everything is going to take us. My word wasn’t something I decided or came up with. It came to me and felt right and perfect for the year ahead of me.
This word came to me because I have had so many incredible experiences this last year that have seemed to cleanse me from several years of very hard experiences. For the longest time, I felt like all of the hard things I’d been through, all the pain and suffering and personal trauma, had made me somehow dirty. I felt used. Broken. A patchwork of parts that somehow still had a heartbeat.
But that is not me anymore.
I had an experience several weeks ago where my emotions did this crazy thing and it felt like I was literally walking through a freezing fire. And when I came out on the other side I was completely clean. And I felt powerful and fierce and free. Free in a way that I had never known I could feel.
And so here I am. I feel completely new and different, and yet I am exactly the same. I am still so much me. So completely myself.
I realized that I still want all of the things I ever wanted before I walked through that fire. But it all feels different now in a way that is hard to explain. I do not need things like I did before. I have always been one to hold on to things so tightly. I have depended on things and people. I have needed them. But I no longer feel this way.
In my head, love has always been tied with need.
I realized that this is not right. That is not the way love works. No matter what kind of love you are talking about, love is not about need. When you love somebody, anybody in any way, it is not about you needing them or them needing you. Now the bottom line in life is that we do need each other. We can’t survive this life without each other. That’s why we have friends and family and significant others.
But saying that you need somebody takes away your own ability to be there for yourself. It takes away your own strength and power, and it puts them in a position that they can never fill. They can never fill this position because it isn’t their job.
The only one you really need is God.
He is the only one who can fill that position. He is the only one who can be there for you all the time, 100%, completely and truly. It is far more important that you keep people in your life not because some part of you thinks it needs them, but because you want them there. Because it makes sense. Because it feels right.
Life is such an interesting thing.
It is so interesting because it is so short. It goes by so incredibly fast. And yet everything that happens is so important. Crucial. When you believe in the afterlife as I do, you have to understand that the things you do every day, the decisions you make, impact your eternity. And it’s crazy because this life is just a blink of an eye, really. And yet we have all that forever. It’s a little bit scary but also so amazing. It means that any hardship, any struggle, any black moment will not last. It can’t. Our souls are much bigger than that. It’s incredible because it means that no matter what complications or hardships arise, we are capable of making the correct decisions that will bring us true happiness literally for eternity. It’s an absolutely spectacular thing.
I hope that at least some of the things I’ve written about have made sense. Whoever you are, reading my blog, thank you. Thank you for reading it. Thank you for being here if you’ve been here for a long while. Thank you for being here if you’ve only just arrived. Thank you for reading my words.
This one is for all of you:
I hope that your 2019 is a spectacular one. I hope that you break free from any chains that bind you. I hope that you find the strength you never knew you had. I hope you become clean from any parts of the past that haunt you. I hope that anything that you have lost that is meant for you comes back at the perfect moment. And that it is more perfect than it ever was. And it isn’t something you need, but something you want. I hope that you always remember that anything worth having in life, any happiness worth achieving, is worth working for and hoping for. I hope that great things flow into your life. I hope you have wonderful adventures and so many laughs.